“I Because I” and “You Because You”

Personal

Oct 15

Our emotions are reflections of what matters to us. They are the red and greed indicator lights of life. Positive emotions are telling that our needs are being met. We feel joy, happiness, contentment, acceptance, love, euphoria. Negative emotions, on the other hand, are telling that our needs are not being met. We feel: anger, frustration, anxiety, annoyance, sadness, loneliness, disconnection, and even hate.

As simple as that seems on paper when everything is calm and well, in the heat of the moment, emotions can feel too overwhelming and all-consuming to make that connection.

How many times are we told we should have clear communication in marriage and relationships in general?

“Tell the other person what you are feeling,” they say. “The other person can’t read minds,” they say. We give this advice our best try but there are still hurt feelings at the end of this “telling” (even arguments sometimes) so we wonder if we really SHOULD tell the other person what we are feeling.

So, how do we feel our emotions, communicate them to our partners and family members AND not tick them off to make it worse?

In these moments that feel so out of control, the key is realizing the difference between the emotion and the need. Remember that this person is feeling something strongly so this is important information to them….it’s an indicator light. So, if you care about this person, this should matter to you. This is a red flag moment to pay attention to. It’s in this moment that we can recognize that this emotion that they are feeling is pointing towards a need that is not being met. It’s also very important to realize that this person’s feelings, even if they are coming AT you, aren’t your fault. Their feelings aren’t about you. Their feelings are about their NEEDS. It’s about connecting the feeling back to the need.

The way we do this is in the language we use when communicating with each other. The key to communicating your emotions without hurting the other person is pointing towards YOUR needs that are or are not being met. Instead of saying, “I because you” we can use “I because I.” For example:

Instead of saying, “I am frustrated because you are making us late,” try: “I am frustrated because I want to make it to the party on time to make a good impression with my boss and coworkers.”

This stops the blame game in its tracks and opens the door to further conversation. A follow up for the other person could be, “I’m sorry, I’m anxious about meeting so many new people so I’ve been dragging my feet. I know this is important to you so I’ll hurry up. Will you please make sure not to leave me alone when we are there?” THIS is a completely different conversation and changes the trajectory of the entire evening. This type of communication empowers the other to come in with support rather than feeling misunderstood and less than.

Here is an example of how it went with my 4-year-old, Finn, today when I wanted to go for a family walk in the morning:

*Marc, Rita and I are all ready to leave for the walk. The three of us have shirts, coats, underwear, socks, pants, shoes and hats on and Finn is still naked from the waist down and is now dumping a puzzle on the ground in the middle of the kitchen floor. I’ve asked him at least 6 times to get dressed so we can go on our family walk. My blood is boiling and I’m about to lose it. I have a FULL schedule of chores to get done today. I only take ONE day off a WEEK to do household chores and this 35 lb boy is holding up my progress down my never-ending to-do list. It’s like he can’t even hear me asking him to get ready! I made a commitment to myself to go for a long exercise walk no matter what first thing in the morning so I wouldn’t “not” do it. I’m in desperate need of physical exercise with the additional “October” editing hours sitting at my desk and if we are going to do it AND get to the 5 loads of laundry, grocery store, clean the bathrooms, make dinners for the next few days because I have weddings…it must happen NOW. I’m about to scream at him.

Me: “FINN, it’s time to GO. I’m not going to tell you ONE MORE TIME to get dressed to go on the family walk.”

Finn: Keeps working on the puzzle and doesn’t say a word.

What I wanted to say (and I normally say): “FINN, I am feeling frustrated because YOU aren’t listening to me”. I think this is communicating my feelings to him so that he understands. Instead, I am basically blaming him for messing up my plan.

What normally happens then is Finn starts running around like a crazy person and I eventually must force him into his clothes and strap him into the stroller to go on the walk and he is upset and the neighbors must think we torture our children.

What happened this time using this technique: (P.S. This is REALLY hard in the moment)

Me: “Finn, I am feeling frustrated because I need to get my exercise and I am worried I won’t have time today if we don’t leave very soon.”

Finn: “I don’t want to go for a walk. I want to put a puzzle together with you.” Putting puzzles together is our special Mommy/Finn activity. This is basically Finn’s way of saying he needs mommy time. This allows me to say back to him, “Oh Finn, so you are saying that you feel unimportant because you need more Mommy time?”

Finn: “Yeah”

Me: Oh Finn, I miss our mommy and me time too. Can we make a date to do it after snack time? We can put together 3 puzzles then if you want…just us! If we don’t go for the walk now, I’ll be upset that I didn’t do it today. Can you understand that?

Finn: Ok

Me: Can I help you get dressed?

Annnnnd we actually had a nice walk even though he still really didn’t want to go. He felt heard and understood.

Now, I’m not saying it always goes like this but it certainly helps. When we phrase our feelings like this, “I because I,” it doesn’t blame the other person. You are taking responsibility for your needs and who can argue that?

Here is the tough part:

It’s easy to insert a non-emotion into the statement and say, “I feel attacked” or “I feel ignored.” Attacked and ignored are not emotions and are accusations in disguised. You are basically saying “You are attacking me” and “You are ignoring me” and have the same affect. You can’t feel attacked. You can feel overwhelmed because you want/need to have a moment to process and respond in the conversation. You can feel disconnected because you want/need the other person to respond to you when you are talking. This is hard work! It takes time to think in terms of your emotions and the connection they have to your needs and wants. It’s hard enough to figure out your own emotions and needs much less your partner’s but it’s worth the try. Start with you before you try to apply it to your loved ones.

Doing so will shine light on what really matters to you. So many of us walk around every day not really knowing what actually makes us feel true joy. You will start to see the green light moments meaning you want more of this and the red lights as a warning light to make a change. I started making a list of my green light moments and I was surprised at what truly brought about positive emotions in my day-to-day. It really is the simple things. Here’s what mine looks like:

Singing in the shower

Singing in the car

Getting positive feedback from a client about their photos or experience

Rita’s squishy hugs

Silly dancing in the Kitchen with the family

Watching Andrew excel in life

Feeling put together with makeup and hair

Walks with Marc

After finishing a tough workout

Putting puzzles together with Finn

Isaac’s smile

Sitting under a tree

Getting things done on my to-do list

Being hugged

Calls from my oldest friend

Listening to a great book/podcast/course

Clothes that feel good on my body

Being competent in a skill

Helping others

Putting a healthy dinner on the table for the family that everyone likes

Being seen and understood by someone

Helping others feel seen

Watching Marc taste new food

I encourage you to do the same and ask yourself this question at the start of your day: What can I do today to be happier? Sometimes its just that simple to bring about positive change in your life. Sometimes remembering to turn up the music in the car so that I start singing makes a positive shift in my day that makes all the difference.

For your red-light indicators, try adding to your statement later when the negative emotion has subsided and you are alone, “I am feeling ______ because I need ______ so I should _______.”

Here’s how that would have worked for Finn today:

“I am feeling unimportant because I need more Mommy time so I should ask Mommy for more time with her.”

This is where the magic happens. If you can take it to this point for a red-light indicator emotion, it allows you to see the emotion for what it is, understand the need behind it, and then take positive action for the future to avoid it next time.

When we can communicate our emotions and needs with another person this way, they are able understand where we are coming from without being blamed for it. It opens the door to a conversation rather than an entangled fight. You can even use it as a reflection FOR the other person who is upset with us: “What I’m hearing you say is that you feel ______because you need/want_______. Is that right?” As cheesy as this can feel in the moment, it DOES tell us that the other person is at least trying really hard to understand. And, if they get it wrong, it’s an opportunity to correct them. This will always help someone feel heard and understood and diffuse the intensity of the moment. Staying calm enough to hear the need underneath the emotion is the hard part. It’s a practice. Start be remembering a conflict you had recently and try to put it terms of “I because I” and “You because you.” Then add “so I should” and see where it takes you.