Waiting…waiting…
Are you sure there’s only one in there?
Pregnant with Finn, I vividly remember Andrew and Isaac’s doctor asking me this question at their well child visit as we walked past in the hallway. We were heading into a room for vitals and to wait for the same doc to examine them. The doctor’s obvious surprise at my big pregnant belly with two older kids flanking my sides sparked an impromptu conversation. After chatting for a minute in the hallway with the nurse waiting impatiently by the scale for the boys, I laughed it off. I remember sitting in the waiting room wondering why my belly was so big. I knew there was “only one in there.” We had two ultrasounds already.
5 months with Finn
Doctor Nav wasn’t the only one to make these comments to me but anything from a doctor just seems more concerning. My typical response was that since I’ve already had two kids, my body knows what’s coming and just goes into “preggo mode.” Or I explain that I’m only 5’1” so there’s not much space in my torso so it just pops out right away.
I think Finn was about 7 months here.
The reality in the back of my mind was that I was told before even getting pregnant that since it had been 10 years since I had been last pregnant, my body would treat it like a first pregnancy again…so I really didn’t know why my belly was so big.
Two years later pregnant with Rita, I faced the same questions but even more exaggerated. We took “belly pictures” at 14 weeks for an announcement post. I don’t know many other people who were obviously showing at 14 weeks.
14 weeks with Rita
Just 2 months later!
After two healthy deliveries and two healthy kids, I wrote it off. My body never quite recovered from either pregnancy but I figured it was because I was getting older and my life was more sedentary than my previous “gym rat” days….one shooting day vs 5 editing days a week. The questions shifted into, why can’t I loose weight? And why is my body shape changing so much? I have countless journal entries pondering these very questions alongside countless new habits and diets that failed as my belly continued to expand and my energy and physical dexterity deteriorated month by month, year by year. At some point I faced the reality that I needed to change my wardrobe completely. I used my new career as a photographer as my excuse. The reality was that my old clothing go-to styles no longer worked for my shape even though I would kill to be able to wear jeans again. I tried to not let it get to me but as someone who struggled with an eating disorder for most of my life, this was a true test.
8 months with Rita!
It’s funny that around the same time I decided to let it go and accept myself as is, no matter what, I found the tumor….part of the answer to all my questioning. The MRI I had this past Tuesday should give us some indication of the rate of growth compared to the one I had in June. We will have a better idea if this thing has been creeping in like a surprise night attack as the enemy surrounds is target in the stillness of the night. Or, if this thing that has been there for at least the last 10 years has suddenly been aggravated to attack suddenly all at once. Doc M was pretty certain it was the former back in July when they said it would be fine to wait until after wedding season. We’ll find out soon enough.
Due date week with Rita!
I sit here waiting. Waiting and speculating on what the MRI results will show with no real foundation to base my thoughts on. It’s silly really to even wonder but I think it’s human nature to try to prepare for future stress. I can’t help but compare the fact that I got my chest CT scan results back within 3 hours of having the test done with notes from my doctor’s LNP and all saying “everything looks great” to the fact that I am now on day 3 of waiting for results. The dark side is telling me that the doctor is waiting to lay the bad news on me until Tuesday when I meet with him in person. The bright side is telling me that he probably had another surgery, is on vacation or any number of reasons why I haven’t heard back about the test results. If I’m being completely honest I’m writing this assuming that if I make this dramatic post about it, as soon as I post it, I’ll get a message saying the scan looked exactly the same as the last one…that there’s nothing new to comment on…see ya Tuesday! And, I’ll feel silly for having written this (fingers crossed)!
The fact is that I’m waiting again (I’ve learned there is a lot of waiting involved with tumors). I’ll know more soon….and then probably wait some more. Please virtually hold my hand as I go on with my regular daily activities trying to remind myself of what I already know, worrying about it won’t change a thing….don’t waste this moment over needless worry. It will happen how it happens and I’ll handle whatever comes up to the best of my ability.
The more I learn about Liposarcoma (what they think I have) the more scared I get. What started as “likely a lipoma” is now “most likely a well-differentiated liposarcoma.” Cancer. It’s a cancer of the fat cells. Of all the cancers, I may have the one that actually makes you grow more fat. Go figure! And, of all the therapies I’ve had over the years for my body image distortions, this was the one thing that actually did the trick…finally. I’ll honestly just be happy to be alive in another 5 years. I could care less about my body shape anymore. I want to see Rita go to school, watch Andrew graduate, help Isaac find his path, guide Rita through her teen years and watch Finn come into his own amazing self. I want to see my kids get married. I want to dance with them at their wedding receptions. I want to meet my grandkids. I could care less what I look like doing it all. I just want to be there for it. I want to grow old with my husband and learn what 50s, 60s and 70s are like to live through.
Hopefully, I’ll have some updates for you all soon….a plan and a surgery date with a better picture of the next 1-3 years. Here’s to hoping as soon as I post this, I get those test results!
XO - Megan
***Edit*** It “worked”! LOL The results from my MRI were posted only 2 hours after I originally hit publish on this post! It reviled that the tumor is still growing but slowly…GOOD NEWS!!! I would assume that it means that everything should still be on track as planned. I will meet with the lead surgeon on Tuesday and get the official explanation and rundown.