I Dreamed of You
Dear Rita,
When I was a little girl I dreamed of you. I wasn’t a super girlie girl or anything but I have one sister, zero brothers and knew nothing about young boys. So, of course, I would have girls. Right? They would have golden, curling locks and brown, doe eyes. We would talk together as we enjoyed high tea on cold days and would ride our horses into the sunset together each day.
It was a magical dream.
When I would imagine you, you were always smiling, laughing and twirling with your arms stretched out wide, reveling in the sunshine or grooming your gleaming palomino pony. In my dreams it was always summer and you only wore sun-dresses with bare shoulders and feet. Oh, it was beautiful.
I grew up an avid reader (which should mean I should be able to spell better but…). When I was in elementary school, I would even read on a 5-minute car ride to the grocery store. Any chance I got, my nose was in a book. Most of them were about a horse or at least had horses in them: The Black Stallion Series, The White Stallion, The BOOK of THREE, Touch the Moon, Anne of Green Gables, Practical Magic, Little Women, Pride and Prejudice were a few of my favorites. From those books, Aunt Katie and I kept a list of names for you like “Eilonwy” from The Chronicles of Prydain, The BOOK of THREE (my #1 name).
Eventually, I grew to be a teenager and my mind was clouded with silly things like boys, popularity and college. My childhood visions were pushed aside by realities and truths of life and, eventually, I lost most of my whimsical nature to anxiety and stress about “the real world.” I had forgotten my childhood dreams. There were times when, as a teen, I remember saying to Mimi that I didn’t think I would have children. I was going to be a successful businesswoman. I would travel the world and rule my existence. I would marry a rich man with a horse farm in upstate New York, have servants and never clean or cook a day in my life.
I did really well in college but didn’t have a plan. That terrified me. Then, right after I graduated, I became a mom to your brother Andrew at age 22 and everything changed. My world was turned upside down and suddenly my heart beat for a real reason, an unselfish one, and I didn’t need a plan. I was a Mom. That was the plan. And, this tiny, little person needed me…and I needed him. The most special part of my life began. I realized that I didn’t have to have a high-powered job to have purpose and love my life. All I had to do was live with purpose.
I still made mistakes. And, little girl, I have made many mistakes in my life. I traveled many roads that weren’t a good fit for me, even as a mom. I lost sight of myself and tried being like other people. I tried being a version of my idea of what other people thought I should be. I took the “safe” road 9 times out of 10 with your brothers’ best interest in mind wondering how I got there. I turned around on some roads. On others, I just sat down and cried. Because hindsight is 20/20, I am so grateful for those experiences. They brought me here to this point….to you.
When I heard those three words, “It’s a girl” for the first time, something buried deep inside of me woke up. I cried more happy tears than I have ever cried in my life at that moment. Not because I wished the others were girls. No! I love my boys. Unexpectedly, and very suddenly, all of those childhood memories came flooding back to me and I remembered my vision of you. My little girl. I may still not know what you look like and your personality may be so completely different than what I imagine a girl will be like, but Rita. Oh Rita, how I love you already. How we all love you.
Now, I live with purpose for all of you. You are my Eilonwy little Rita and I’m so excited to meet you and share you with this beautiful world. I will get to watch you experience life and all of it’s wonders. It will be hard to watch you make the same mistakes I made and let you make them, but I know you will find your way just like I did.
You have been given a strong name, little love. It is the name of my grandmother. You will call her GiGi. She is a very special woman to all of us and I am proud to name you after her. She is strong, kind, giving, beautiful and talented. You are going to adore her just like I do. She is loved by many just like you will be.
There is so much ahead of us. I’ll see you in a few weeks precious girl!
Love,
Mom
